I have had a mood disorder, but it wasn’t depression. Can’t remember when my chest suddenly had this discomfort. This kind of discomfort was very unpleasant! Besides the sudden accelerated heart rate, there was also a series of symptoms that included anxiety, difficult breathing, shaky hands and legs, even worse, this dreadful vertigo of hovering between life and death. People, this is no exaggeration but the unvarnished truth. My first time to emergency dept in the hospital was precisely because of this malaise. At the time, inhaling three breaths only one absorbed by the lungs; hands and feet grew icy cold; face devoid of blood; heart palpated so fast as if disintegrating; overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness and helplessness! I thought I had a serious illness, if not cancer then a heart disease, the outcome was, at the hospital the doctor after asking me some questions gave me a paper bag and instructed me to breathe slowly into the bag.
What kind of treatment is this? I thought to myself silently cussing the doctor. Here I am, close to death with no emergency care, only a paper bag handed to me? Feeling hopeless, I thought: “Have to bid farewell to this world soon.”
But, a miracle happened! Less than two minutes, I suddenly felt much better, and the earlier symptoms had all but dissipated. Conversely, I felt the warmth coursing through my body. Regaining clarity, I asked the doctor what actually happened. The doctor told me I hyperventilated.
Huh! Hyperventilation could be that awful? How could that be? Turn out that hyperventilation is just a side effect; severe stress and anxiety are the real cause! Because anxiety creates extreme stress, and stress induces accelerated breathing that severely constricts the oxygen intake into the body, thus producing my earlier condition.
Ok! Extreme anxiety caused it. But, is anxiety an illness?
Heavens! So anxiety can be an illness? After the previous bout, I consulted a reputable doctor, and finally came to this conclusion, I had an anxiety disorder! What is an anxiety disorder? I had no idea. Was it a virus/bacteria infection? Or caused by a disease? I could not comprehend. At the time, I only knew to ask the doctor what medicine could cure it. How to prevent it from recurring?
The doctor laughed and said that it is not a health issue but a psychological malaise. Huh! I have a psychological problem? Isn’t it the same as having a mental problem? I worried.
Later, the doctor explicitly explained to me the causes for anxiety disorder normally sprung from unreleased stresses. The anxiety often came from overly worrying and distress. He also said what can save you is not medicine but yourself!
Listening, I understood the real core of the matter.
Actually people often unwittingly increase their own worries, obviously the problem is not theirs but they still insist on shouldering it. Obviously the fault is not mine but still will shut oneself up and reflect upon one's mistakes. But then again, the person who should contemplate, should do self-examination, and should understand, does he have to be me?
The doctor’s single remark awakened the oblivious me; every time taking on unnecessary responsibility and putting pressure on oneself; not only did not receive approvals but also endangering health, what’s the point of it?
After this lesson, I have learned to take on what I can handle, and that not everything would turn out the way as expected, just so long the conscience is clear it’s fine. Today my anxiety attack may occasionally resurface but its symptoms are much weaker than in the past. At this moment in time, there are still many responsibilities that I cannot let go. But what can be let go they are no longer on my shoulders.
Author: Steven Ma
圖文並謬 Pp 68-70
Translator: Tamaya
TN: What I love about Steven is that he looks his weaknesses and faults in the eye and call them for what they are, and if can make fix them, and not sweep them under the rug. And so as his fan, I learn from his example. From pure speculation, Steven panic attacks were especially rampant between late 2002-2003 until he 'escaped' to mainland to heal himself.
related materials: what time over there?
His grief over his mom’s death, his anxiety over work; all these, he blithely brushed aside and affected a nonchalant front. Unwittingly, the more he put into his career, the more harm he piled onto himself. Until one day, his heartbeats sped up abnormally to about 150 beats per minute. He had to seek emergency care in the hospital. The diagnosis was an onslaught of a panic attacks. (TN: Recently, Steven was diagnosed with a congenital heart condition that causes abnormal heart palpitations. A surgery is required to permanently fix the problem. As such, his previously diagnosed “panic attacks” might have been due to his heart problem.) His doctor said his malaise was due to his persistent suppression of his emotions. Once in Shanghai, he suffered an anxiety episode, so bad so that he requested a sick leave from the movie company; he was replaced by another actor.
“They were brought on by stress. Now, I know how to relax myself. I’m fine now. The spells have not recurred for a long time.”
translated by VV@asianfanatics Retrospection
Towards illness, Steven has deep thoughts. He was a victim of an illness "Panic Attack" four years ago. The symptoms of such an illness are sudden tightening of nerves, giddiness, freezing of limbs, trembling hands, breathing problems, abnormal heart palpitations. "The main cause comes from stress. If I cannot calm myself down or relax myself, and if I am always on the Get-Ready mode, the illness will relapse. These few months, I suffered relapses and once, I even had to stay home for 10 days. There was another time when I was posing for a magazine photoshot, my hand trembled nonstop suddenly and had to be rushed to the hospital."
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