Footprints interview -- mother

It’s only with faith in God that for the 1st time Steven could finally open up his heart to share this deep-seated secret buried deep his heart all these years, festering the gaping hole preventing his heart from complete healing.

In the previous segment Steven talked about his tough beginning as singer. In this following segment Steven talks about his mother – the most heart-wrenching portion of his interview.

Italicized words in brackets are mine.

H: How did you family see it? Seeing your first step in the industry and down you fell.
S: Always supported me. Always Every time they heard my song played on radio or saw my program on tv, they all very happy. As to whether they were aware of the criticisms thrown at me, of course they did, just that at home they would not talk about it. We’re a family, so all in the heart. In this case, family’s support – silence is greater than spoken words.

H:1997 - Dr. Joe Cheung Ka Yu came into being but in 1999 mother passed away.

S: hai ya, hai ya (yes, yes)

H: Seeing you having 2 favorable years, she must have felt comforted.
S: She loved to watch my show cos’she couldn’t hear, lost her hearing long time ago. Cos’ when I was 6 years old she had this illness. Which is why in my childhood period I did not play much and also had to work outside at an young age because circumstances forced me to grow up fast. My mom had nasopharynx cancer. At the time, the treatment technology was bad, so her treatments (chemo/radiology?) had destroyed many of her cells and nerves including xxx, so very quickly after each treatment she first lost her sense of smell, and then later her sense of taste began to deteriorate, and then she started have relapses (in all 3 relapses) Gradually she lost her senseof hearing, and then her total sense of taste. When she left she had only a blurry vision in one eye. To communicate with her, we exchanges messages on this ‘Magic Slate’ You know the kind that you write on top of the plastic film, and to erase you just lift up the film? Everyday we used that slate to write messages.

H: So though your mother could not hear well but she still liked to listen to Deanie Ip’s Weary (倦), right?

S: Would play 倦 karaoke for her. (tv) She could not hear well but she had the cassette with her. She also liked Siu Fung jie’s songs too. (Paula Tsui 徐小鳳) but later she couldn’t hear anything at all so playing the songs was just for comforting the heart. So we played karaoke songs for her since she could still see images on the screen. But of course she was most happy when she saw my karaoke.

H: Ai! So recently you expressed your feeling your mother, right?

S: yeah!

H: For Mother: Weary! Composed and written by you. Back to the time when your mother passed away, you could not accept it.

S: Because accompanying her all those 20 odd years – when I was 6 I already knew she was sick – so I witnessed her battle against the disease along with my father and my sisters – we all supported her, a very close warm feeling. We saw how courageous mother was.

H: “I’m the relative of a chronic patient.”
S: Yeah, I wrote the book precisely for that reason. We watched her gradually losing her faculties. Sometime having a meal with her, she would suddenly spurt blood. Because of blood vessels inside her nostril would certainly burst. You think that could only happen in movies but it actually do happen in real life. If a thick blood vessel burst inside the nostril the blood would come out through the mouth, so if you sniff the blood rushes into the mouth. And when that happened during meal she would rush into the bathroom but she would say she’s fine but actually it was painful.

S: (4:13) As for her passing, we knew it was imminent. If asked after all these years were we prepared? Yes we were. But why is that when she passed away I was so devastated? All these years, honestly if you ask me have I healed (her death) completely? No. I’ve not. Is it, is it because I did something wrong? No. Was it because I did not treat her well? No. Honestly, I think, I believe, in this world if look for a son who is utterly filial to his parents, his mother, I dare to take the #1 spot. But there’re things that are not up to me to decide. So why did I say after she passed away, I, I

H: Self-withdrawn for half a year.

S: It’s because of a surgery. A week prior to her passing away, all her neck tissues had actually atrophied. Her mouth, her jaw structure; their tissues had actually atrophied. Her mouth was clenched tightly – could not be opened, could not even open up her mouth.. Her jaw was locked tightly together. The doctor wanted to insert a tube into her mouth to infuse nutrition into her but to no avail. Doctor told us to try to pry open her mouth just a few mm then he could give her nutrition. He gave us a few popsicle sticks and told us to slip them inside her mouth in hopes of propping open her mouth. But the thing is her mouth part tissues were all atrophied no matter how we tried still could not open her mouth. The doctor then told us that you had to tell your mother to do a surgery. To cut a hole on her stomach to infuse nutrition into her so she could live. So we wrote the message to her. At the time she still could see though barely.

When she saw a surgery was needed she was enraged and threw a fit. No, no no!! Because she was already in great pain. Cos’ 2 weeks prior she was in the hospital, her whole body suddenly having a seizure. I saw her body turned to a dark hue. The doctor had just stepped out the room. I immediately slipped my hand into her mouth to let her bite. I finally got it that a person can really turn black in less than 15-30 seconds - the lips, the face, because it's her brain having a seizure. Her breathing immediately stopped. So immediately she was given a stabilizing shot. This kind of scene is truly terrifying to me.

H: Wah, your hand was truly tough!

S: 7:05 No problem, I didn't know pain (then). I could only yell out loudly: Doctor, doctor, seizure! Why is that after so many years I still can't completely recovered? My emotion. Actually, that I now have this courage to speak out, to compose the song, is just I want find a release for myself. (let go) Because at that time the doctor warned that if mother did not have this surgery she'd die. Would last only 3 or 5 days. No hope for her to stay alive. So I said to my mother, cos' mom listened to me the most.

H: (sigh) Cos1 you're the only son. And obedient (guai)

S: But she wouldn't. She got angry and threw a fit. "No I won't do it. Just let me die!" I knew she was in great pain. So she refused adamantly to do it. Very angry, truly very angry. Because she's truly in pain. So I said "no, the doctor said you must do it." Hearing that she said: (wrote) I don't want to do it, do you want to push me to my death? You want me to die? I don't want to do it!" So when I saw her speak like that there's nothing I could do. If even I could not persuade her to do it there's no way my sisters could. But at that moment I was bad (soi), but I couldn't control myself and cry. When I saw her anger and her saying I'm pushing her to death (Steven pause to compose his emotion.)

H: So was there a surgery in the end?

S: Just that she said I want her to die

H: Well, at the time, she

S: Of course I knew she was just angry. I knew she was suffering. But when I saw her words I immediately burst into tears. (long pause) But when she saw me crying she could not bear it. (sniffling)

H: You never cried around her?

S: I seldom cry, never in front of my family. Besides my father, I don't cry when at home. And then she nodded her head and said 'fine, I'll do it." She had the surgery that very same day at night. So my family and I stayed back to accompany her. Her surgery ended at around 11:30 pm - midnight. So she was wheeled out on the gurney and the doctor said the surgery was a success. She was still conscious and we held her hands, and asked how she was, and she could nod her head. So I was relieved. So sent her to the patient room and sat with her for a while.

And then we went home to rest cos’ we were tired. (sniff) My father had went home before cos’ he always visited my mom very early in the morning. At around 5 am, my father would visit her so we all could take shift. At home around 5 :30 am, I was sleeping then, my father called me and said “Ah Ma is slipping , come.” I said “huh? What’s the matter?” He said: “Don’t ask, come quickly.” (sniff) Turn out my mother had already passed away at that time. Cos’ at around 3 to 4 am because of acute pneumonia infection cos’ her body was too weak, so she departed just like that. When we got to the hospital, her body was still on the bed., still slightly warm. (pause) But I did not cry Couldn’t. I spoke to her, and then kissed her. (pause) Thereafter, the funeral service, internment , at that time I wasn’t a Christian then. I held this xxx (Buddhist?) service , so went up the hill and other stuff, I did them all. But only I pushed her up the hill. When up the hill, I pressed button to start her cremation. It was brutal but still had to do it. Couldn’t cry. Even when all emotions had been spent still could not cry. “Did I truly push her to her death?” (play chan chin (play Familial Love song)

H: 14:36 I think actually your mother understood you meant well

S: Yes, of course she did. Cos’ my mother loved me a lot, of course, I loved her too . My family at home all told me not to be so stupid to have such a thought. Don’t think that way. I don’t want to but that’s how I received the message. (at the time) Thereafter, I isolated myself.

H: No need to work?

S: Work stopped during that period. So stayed home everyday drinking so that I could get drunk. And only when drunk I could then cry.

H: So your father must be very distressed?

S: I would hide myself so they could not see. I wouldn’t let them see me that way. I wouldn’t let my family see me like that. When awakened would eat something

H: What to do then? For half a year? How did you help yourself get out of it?

S: For the 1st month I was that way, everyday. Would not see anyone. Inside my bedroom, I turned off all lights and closed the curtains. Very dark, could not see anything. Gradually some friends became worried about me. The person who accompanied the most was Tsui jie. (Tsui Yong Yong)

H: Your former manager. She dotes on you.

S: She was very worried about me. Yes, she dotes me, even now our relationship is still very close. She came everyday to keep me company. She just listened to me talk. Because she is a mother so she listened to me from a maternal perspective. Actually not one month but 2 . Not I was numb, did not have interest in life. When people looked me up for work, I said whatever. Didn’t matter. To describe that period with words - truly like living without a heart. 17:30 I should not say this or think this way but at that time I truly thought of just dying. Because I felt like an empty shell. It’s not that I didn’t have people with me, I still had my father, my sisters, my friends, and lots of people I loved but but.. the process all that time she had lived with me.. The place inside my side, she had occupied almost 100% of it. And then suddenly she’s gone , tell me how to replace that? (vacancy left in the heart) (pause) Nothing. Honestly, nothing can, even today nothing can replace that vacancy. Even though now I’m a Christian and there’s Jesus but sorry .to have to say to Jesus, nothing can replace her. At that time I thought of suicide. So my friends started to get scared. So went to see a doctor. I’d a family doctor and diagnosed with depression. I was on medication for a year. Actually did not help much in recovery. Medication was not enough.

H: So what helped you the most?

S: First, my friends. 2nd sports

H: Sports? Badminton

S: Badminton, at that time I had started jogging. To gym. Or on the walking machine. Exercise causing heart rate over 120 beat/hr for 30 minutes the brain will releases endorphin. Can become addictive. Really, can be addictive. People who exercise constantly suddenly don’t for a week they would feel something missing. Another thing that helped was an essay. They recommended an author to me Tong. He wrote this article “Life’s Experiences” talks about a beloved passing away, and how to get through the mourning. …….the pain of losing a loved one is inevitable to all, but I encountered this pain way too early because my mother was only 48 years old when she died. (song play Deanie Ip’s Weary)

--  interview paraphrase --



For the first time Steven revealed the deep-seated secret festering in his heart that he had hastened his mother's death when his mother gave in to his plea to have the fatal surgery that took her life in the end. Although she finally agreed to the surgery she wasn't at first and communicated her anger in written words to Steven. The memory of that scene still made Steven choke up with emotion when he spoke of it. (7:55 ) Mom wrote: "I don't want to do it. Are you pushing me to my death? Do you want me to die? I don't want to do it!" Her words cut right into Steven's heart, a gaping wound that never healed. Reading his mom's written accusation, Steven instantly collapsed in loud sobs. His mom's heart melted at seeing her son's cry opening for the first time in front of her, (she had lost her hearing by then so could not hear Steven's sobs).

 So despite her reluctance she agreed to the surgery. And though the surgery itself was successful, she later succumbed to post-surgery pneumonia and died of it a few hours later. Worse, Steven and his sisters weren't there as they had gone home to grab a much needed rest after a long day at the hospital (doctors had assured them of the success of their mother's surgery.) Only his father was there beside her when she passed away. When narrating his mom's cancer and her death, Steven's voice broke with emotion and had to break off his narration several time to compose himself. The hostess so moved quietly cried with him.

After his mother's death Steven did not cry, could not - his emotions too dammed up, moreover, as the only son (Chew Chao men mentality) he had to be strong for his family so he never let them see him cry in front of them. He could only cry when drunk so he got roaring drunk from day to night, every day as he locked himself inside his bedroom for two-three months straight.  He thought constantly of committing suicide to be with his mother -whom because of him departed the world much earlier because he had begged her to take the surgery.  Only now with the grace of Christ can Steven unlocked this secret from his heart and begged for forgiveness.

But what caught me off guard is how emotional Steven was talking about his mother's death. How he still carries the irrational guilt over that ill-advised and ill-fated surgery that hastened his mother's death, how the scene of their last exchange (written) constantly replayed itself in his mind - haunting him through the years, and how his mother's  written accusation of him pushing her to her death still cut him to the core. (ngo mg wui zou, ni hai mai yu ong ngo hui sei ya? - I won't do it, you want to push me to my death?)  Time has not erased that guilt, that written accusation; only faded them somewhat, but there it lodges forever in Steven's heart and mind, easily re-ignited - what a burden to carry around.  The psychological trauma of losing his mother so unexpectedly (when the surgery was thought to be a success)  with the whole incident instant freeze in in his mind and heart, his remorse and guilt over his advice to his mom to take the surgery forever changed Steven's psych and his life outlook.

My comments:
I feel that Steven is forever trying to atone for that very moment when his uncontrollable and bitter sobs made his dying mother change her mind to finally agree to the ill-fated surgery. His mother's death is a cross Steven carries to this day on his back, its intangible weight heavy on his conscience, hopefully one day Steven can totally discard that guilt and drop that heavy cross and truly moved forward in life and living in the moment free of the cross.  Guess his 'selfish' desire of wanting his mother to take the surgery despite her pain and suffering somewhat attributed to Steven's own tolerance and forgiving nature towards other people's frailties and flaws, for who amongst us do not err in our lifetime.  To these days, Steven is still making amends to atone for his 'transgression' towards his mother's death. With her unexpected passing, Steven was not given a soul-cleansing chance to say sorry to her.It was not his fault but often it is heart over mind.  Glad that Steven has found spiritual strength and peace with his faith in God.