It’s only with faith in God that for the 1st time Steven could finally open up his heart to share this deep-seated secret buried deep his heart all these years, festering the gaping hole preventing his heart from complete healing.
In the previous segment Steven talked about his tough beginning as singer. In this following segment Steven talks about his mother – the most heart-wrenching portion of his interview.
Italicized words in brackets are mine.
H: How did you family see it? Seeing your first step in the industry and down you fell.
S: Always supported me. Always Every time they heard my song played on radio or saw my program on tv, they all very happy. As to whether they were aware of the criticisms thrown at me, of course they did, just that at home they would not talk about it. We’re a family, so all in the heart. In this case, family’s support – silence is greater than spoken words.
H:1997 - Dr. Joe Cheung Ka Yu came into being but in 1999 mother passed away.
S: hai ya, hai ya (yes, yes)
H: Seeing you having 2 favorable years, she must have felt comforted.
S: She loved to watch my show cos’she couldn’t hear, lost her hearing long time ago. Cos’ when I was 6 years old she had this illness. Which is why in my childhood period I did not play much and also had to work outside at an young age because circumstances forced me to grow up fast. My mom had nasopharynx cancer. At the time, the treatment technology was bad, so her treatments (chemo/radiology?) had destroyed many of her cells and nerves including xxx, so very quickly after each treatment she first lost her sense of smell, and then later her sense of taste began to deteriorate, and then she started have relapses (in all 3 relapses) Gradually she lost her senseof hearing, and then her total sense of taste. When she left she had only a blurry vision in one eye. To communicate with her, we exchanges messages on this ‘
Magic Slate’ You know the kind that you write on top of the plastic film, and to erase you just lift up the film? Everyday we used that slate to write messages.
H: So though your mother could not hear well but she still liked to listen to Deanie Ip’s Weary (倦), right?
S: Would play 倦 karaoke for her. (tv) She could not hear well but she had the cassette with her. She also liked Siu Fung jie’s songs too. (Paula Tsui 徐小鳳) but later she couldn’t hear anything at all so playing the songs was just for comforting the heart. So we played karaoke songs for her since she could still see images on the screen. But of course she was most happy when she saw my karaoke.
H: Ai! So recently you expressed your feeling your mother, right?
S: yeah!
H: For Mother: Weary! Composed and written by you. Back to the time when your mother passed away, you could not accept it.
S: Because accompanying her all those 20 odd years – when I was 6 I already knew she was sick – so I witnessed her battle against the disease along with my father and my sisters – we all supported her, a very close warm feeling. We saw how courageous mother was.
H: “I’m the relative of a chronic patient.”
S: Yeah, I wrote the book precisely for that reason. We watched her gradually losing her faculties. Sometime having a meal with her, she would suddenly spurt blood. Because of blood vessels inside her nostril would certainly burst. You think that could only happen in movies but it actually do happen in real life. If a thick blood vessel burst inside the nostril the blood would come out through the mouth, so if you sniff the blood rushes into the mouth. And when that happened during meal she would rush into the bathroom but she would say she’s fine but actually it was painful.
S: (4:13) As for her passing, we knew it was imminent. If asked after all these years were we prepared? Yes we were. But why is that when she passed away I was so devastated? All these years, honestly if you ask me have I healed (her death) completely? No. I’ve not. Is it, is it because I did something wrong? No. Was it because I did not treat her well? No. Honestly, I think, I believe, in this world if look for a son who is utterly filial to his parents, his mother, I dare to take the #1 spot. But there’re things that are not up to me to decide. So why did I say after she passed away, I, I
H: Self-withdrawn for half a year.
S: It’s because of a surgery. A week prior to her passing away, all her neck tissues had actually atrophied. Her mouth, her jaw structure; their tissues had actually atrophied. Her mouth was clenched tightly – could not be opened, could not even open up her mouth.. Her jaw was locked tightly together. The doctor wanted to insert a tube into her mouth to infuse nutrition into her but to no avail. Doctor told us to try to pry open her mouth just a few mm then he could give her nutrition. He gave us a few popsicle sticks and told us to slip them inside her mouth in hopes of propping open her mouth. But the thing is her mouth part tissues were all atrophied no matter how we tried still could not open her mouth. The doctor then told us that you had to tell your mother to do a surgery. To cut a hole on her stomach to infuse nutrition into her so she could live. So we wrote the message to her. At the time she still could see though barely.
When she saw a surgery was needed she was enraged and threw a fit. No, no no!! Because she was already in great pain. Cos’ 2 weeks prior she was in the hospital, her whole body suddenly having a seizure. I saw her body turned to a dark hue. The doctor had just stepped out the room. I immediately slipped my hand into her mouth to let her bite. I finally got it that a person can really turn black in less than 15-30 seconds - the lips, the face, because it's her brain having a seizure. Her breathing immediately stopped. So immediately she was given a stabilizing shot. This kind of scene is truly terrifying to me.
H: Wah, your hand was truly tough!
S: 7:05 No problem, I didn't know pain (then). I could only yell out loudly: Doctor, doctor, seizure! Why is that after so many years I still can't completely recovered? My emotion. Actually, that I now have this courage to speak out, to compose the song, is just I want find a release for myself. (let go) Because at that time the doctor warned that if mother did not have this surgery she'd die. Would last only 3 or 5 days. No hope for her to stay alive. So I said to my mother, cos' mom listened to me the most.
H: (sigh) Cos1 you're the only son. And obedient (guai)
S: But she wouldn't. She got angry and threw a fit. "No I won't do it. Just let me die!" I knew she was in great pain. So she refused adamantly to do it. Very angry, truly very angry. Because she's truly in pain. So I said "no, the doctor said you must do it." Hearing that she said: (wrote) I don't want to do it, do you want to push me to my death? You want me to die? I don't want to do it!" So when I saw her speak like that there's nothing I could do. If even I could not persuade her to do it there's no way my sisters could. But at that moment I was bad (soi), but I couldn't control myself and cry. When I saw her anger and her saying I'm pushing her to death (Steven pause to compose his emotion.)
H: So was there a surgery in the end?
S: Just that she said I want her to die
H: Well, at the time, she
S: Of course I knew she was just angry. I knew she was suffering. But when I saw her words I immediately burst into tears. (long pause) But when she saw me crying she could not bear it. (sniffling)
H: You never cried around her?
S: I seldom cry, never in front of my family. Besides my father, I don't cry when at home. And then she nodded her head and said 'fine, I'll do it." She had the surgery that very same day at night. So my family and I stayed back to accompany her. Her surgery ended at around 11:30 pm - midnight. So she was wheeled out on the gurney and the doctor said the surgery was a success. She was still conscious and we held her hands, and asked how she was, and she could nod her head. So I was relieved. So sent her to the patient room and sat with her for a while.
And then we went home to rest cos’ we were tired. (sniff) My father had went home before cos’ he always visited my mom very early in the morning. At around 5 am, my father would visit her so we all could take shift. At home around 5 :30 am, I was sleeping then, my father called me and said “Ah Ma is slipping , come.” I said “huh? What’s the matter?” He said: “Don’t ask, come quickly.” (sniff) Turn out my mother had already passed away at that time. Cos’ at around 3 to 4 am because of acute pneumonia infection cos’ her body was too weak, so she departed just like that. When we got to the hospital, her body was still on the bed., still slightly warm. (pause) But I did not cry Couldn’t. I spoke to her, and then kissed her. (pause) Thereafter, the funeral service, internment , at that time I wasn’t a Christian then. I held this xxx (Buddhist?) service , so went up the hill and other stuff, I did them all. But only I pushed her up the hill. When up the hill, I pressed button to start her cremation. It was brutal but still had to do it. Couldn’t cry. Even when all emotions had been spent still could not cry. “Did I truly push her to her death?” (play chan chin (play Familial Love song)
H: 14:36 I think actually your mother understood you meant well
S: Yes, of course she did. Cos’ my mother loved me a lot, of course, I loved her too . My family at home all told me not to be so stupid to have such a thought. Don’t think that way. I don’t want to but that’s how I received the message. (at the time) Thereafter, I isolated myself.
H: No need to work?
S: Work stopped during that period. So stayed home everyday drinking so that I could get drunk. And only when drunk I could then cry.
H: So your father must be very distressed?
S: I would hide myself so they could not see. I wouldn’t let them see me that way. I wouldn’t let my family see me like that. When awakened would eat something
H: What to do then? For half a year? How did you help yourself get out of it?
S: For the 1st month I was that way, everyday. Would not see anyone. Inside my bedroom, I turned off all lights and closed the curtains. Very dark, could not see anything. Gradually some friends became worried about me. The person who accompanied the most was Tsui jie. (Tsui Yong Yong)
H: Your former manager. She dotes on you.
S: She was very worried about me. Yes, she dotes me, even now our relationship is still very close. She came everyday to keep me company. She just listened to me talk. Because she is a mother so she listened to me from a maternal perspective. Actually not one month but 2 . Not I was numb, did not have interest in life. When people looked me up for work, I said whatever. Didn’t matter. To describe that period with words - truly like living without a heart. 17:30 I should not say this or think this way but at that time I truly thought of just dying. Because I felt like an empty shell. It’s not that I didn’t have people with me, I still had my father, my sisters, my friends, and lots of people I loved but but.. the process all that time she had lived with me.. The place inside my side, she had occupied almost 100% of it. And then suddenly she’s gone , tell me how to replace that? (vacancy left in the heart) (pause) Nothing. Honestly, nothing can, even today nothing can replace that vacancy. Even though now I’m a Christian and there’s Jesus but sorry .to have to say to Jesus, nothing can replace her. At that time I thought of suicide. So my friends started to get scared. So went to see a doctor. I’d a family doctor and diagnosed with depression. I was on medication for a year. Actually did not help much in recovery. Medication was not enough.
H: So what helped you the most?
S: First, my friends. 2nd sports
H: Sports? Badminton
S: Badminton, at that time I had started jogging. To gym. Or on the walking machine. Exercise causing heart rate over 120 beat/hr for 30 minutes the brain will releases endorphin. Can become addictive. Really, can be addictive. People who exercise constantly suddenly don’t for a week they would feel something missing. Another thing that helped was an essay. They recommended an author to me Tong. He wrote this article “Life’s Experiences” talks about a beloved passing away, and how to get through the mourning. …….the pain of losing a loved one is inevitable to all, but I encountered this pain way too early because my mother was only 48 years old when she died. (song play Deanie Ip’s Weary)
-- interview paraphrase --
Talking about yeah show, its 2015 promo song on youtube. Honestly, the song is both boring and bland and not at all arousing of emotions. Also, sorry to say, the overall group singing was weak although Steven sang well enough. Anyway, Steven will be the special speaker in the 2015 Yeah Show on April 18 in Sydney and on April 19 in Melbourne.
