Thursday, October 28, 2010

Steven as a good husband discussion

Link to prequel post (Steven's flaws) 

Exchanges between Tamaya and Akazukin in asianfanatics post 1753
Posted 09 September 2009

Akazukin: Talking about a weakness, no matter how good he is, I never think he is perfect....Maybe his one weakness is he is not a good boyfriend.

Tamaya: In Steven's defence, his girlfriend knew what she got herself into when she accepted him as a bf. I guess the years he was freelancing for himself got to the be the best time for them, esp. without the media hounding him. (Me being batgua again.)

Akazukin: On me continuing to be a busybody: You're right that his girlfriend should know what she got herself into when she accepted him as a boyfriend. But then, I'm wondering, Steven has always said (with Tavia confirming that as well) that Steven will be a good husband. But the problem why he isn't a good boyfriend now is because he will sort of disappear and won't answer calls when he is on acting schedule. I totally understand his reason, but will he stay the same when he becomes a husband? Because I think that's pretty hard to bear for any ladies. I understand that he likes more mature women because they are.... more mature... in thoughts, so they won't pick on little things. But I believe even more mature ladies need someone they can sort of contact whenever they need mental support. It's just woman's nature, no?

Akazukin: I think there's also the issue I raise about whether he can manage being a good husband if he continues being an actor, provided that he continued his habit of switching off his cellphone during work. If he wants to have both career and family after he gets married, then something ought to change and the change can't be done overnight. If he thinks he can't give his all to his work by having his cellphone on now, I don't think he can give all to his work by having his cellphone on once he gets married too. That is unless he starts finding a way to change that habit now, which I hope he does. Giving more than 100% to his work is a good thing, but I hope he will put his 100% or more only during takes. Easier said than done of course, but he wants to keep both, I guess that's the only way to go.

Tamaya: Steven's desire to get married and start a family is nothing new to his old timer fans, even as far back as 2001. undaunted-I-forge-ahead  Recently, I dreamt. In my dream I saw my left arm cradling a daughter; right arm, a zai (son). I laughed so loudly that I woke up! I really wish to get marry, really wish to have children with my beloved. I long to have a daughter first, then a son; [..]”

So why the postponing year after year? – it all goes back to your question of bf vs husband's attributes which I’ll get to by and by. Briefly, a married man will usually put aside his own desires before his familial duties and obligations vs a bachelor going all out to realize his dreams and aspirations. “but will he stay the same when he becomes a husband?”

Me being batgua too, not to mention presumptuous in my response to the above very valid question.  My succinct answer to the above question is that he will not stay the same as a husband, and below is my long answer on why I think so.

When Steven proudly claims that he will be a good husband, he did not say it lightly.  He knows exactly what a good husband entails; after all, he was brought up by one such man – his father.  From Steven’s own accounts, his father literally loved and cared for his own wife in sickness and in health till death do they part; likewise, he desires to do the same to his own, when the time comes.  When he becomes a husband and later a father, he will change his life priorities, accordingly.  However, the time is not now.  He is not ready to give up on his self-seeking, self-absorbing dreams just yet.  Of course, he knows (per his interviews) that he is being very selfish and very unfair to Vivian, but at the same time, he knows even if he marries her now, he cannot be the good husband to her the way he aspires to be; and in time, his insistent pursuit of unfulfilled dreams might result in what he fears most, a divorce.  For now, despite his guilt over the breakup, his dreams nevertheless take precedence over his yearning for a married life.  Like Ji Yuen, he too is walking on a tightrope.  And like Ji Yuen, whichever side he chooses to walk, he will commit 100%.  Therefore, life priorities will change accordingly and accommodatingly depending on the side he’s on.  As a bachelor, he is a free agent, accountable to none; but as a married man, self-sacrifices and priorities for the family good would have to be made.

Prior to 2006, in many of his earlier interviews, Steven had stated that he would retire from entertainment at age 40 and concentrate on his publishing company – guess at that time, 40 still seemed so far away.  (ref: news) He figured hopefully by then, he would have had gotten the elusive tvb king award, thus could settle down to a blissful married life, which he craved even then.  But of course, it was not to be. 

But now, Vivian’s biological clock is clicking ominously away.  Which is why I think it was no coincidence that Steven suddenly decided to publicly divulge that he was indeed in a relationship. (ref: post 475 AJCL radio promotion) ajcl-radio-promotion

It was his way of reassuring Vivian of his commitment to her, just not marriage.  And I believe that he specifically wrote the blog entry, Marriage? for her and, killing 2 birds with an arrow,  to also prepare his fans of his imminent marriage.  Like Akazukin has so wisely noted, Steven does not seem like the kind of guy to go for a love-at-first-sight affair, much less a lightning wedding based on it.  Unspoken question posed to Vivian: Marriage? If not to you then whom, love at first sight? Me?  Impossible!  Vivian, please wait for me!  2 more years?  (haha!  Me being carried away on a runaway imagination train of thought.)

Akazukin AF#1602: It pains my heart to read the article about him and Vivian. It's indeed very difficult for him to have a relationship. I mean, I understand Vivian's complaints. Actually, I feel she is already being very understanding and accomodating to go through that six years with him in that matter. But then, standing from Steven's point of view, I also understand why he can't give her more time. He can't talk lovey dovey on the phone and then get into his character right away. But if he is like Raymond Wong who kept talking about his wife, then his partner won't be able to get into their character too. It's sad that he has to sacrifice for acting, but then without this sacrifice, we may not have been able to benefit from his great acting.

Tavia said that Steven is not a boyfriend material but husband material type. Personally, I feel that a good boyfriend must be a good husband material type because if he is not, then there is no point in having him as a boyfriend. But then, either way, he would need to spend more time with his girlfriend/wife to be a good boyfriend/husband, which is what his career limiting him to do. It's sad. Maybe if he gets to be a director, the circumstances would be more favourable for him, but then we won't get to see him acting onscreen anymore. But if that is what it takes for his happiness, then I would be happy for him even though I will miss him onscreen. Anyway, no matter which route he takes, I hope he will be happy. On a side note, I would love to see the series/movie he directs. I think it would be good.


On his breakup with girlfriend 2009 contract seesaw
Bringing up Vivian had Steven immediately open up his protection net. “Let’s not talk about her, ok?” After much words of persuasion and effort, he finally deigned to loosen his tongue just a little.

"We dated for 6 years. Our relationship came to a bottleneck. There were some problems that we didn’t know how to reconcile. I was too busy. Once a series starts, it’s like I totally vanished. Didn’t have too much time to spend with her. She had already endured much over a long period."

The outsiders like to describe this red wine businesswoman as a superwoman. Anyway, habitual practice becomes natural. After all, it had been 6 years, still had irreconcilable conflicts?

"No matter how one can get used to a situation, she is still a woman who needs security. Maybe she is a superwoman in her work but in her heart she still likes to be taken care of. We had discussed this problem for a long time. In the end, decided it was best to halt the relationship. It was a mutual tacit understanding born of our years of togetherness. No one dumped anybody,” says he.

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