Steven's interview on Pastor Lam's radio talk show

credit wong.helena86 for the audio clips used in my video 

Steven's interview
In addition to the below news report here's a quick summary of the hour long interview.
The interview started with small talks on Steven's recent tvb series, Storm in a Cocoon.  Steven confirms that Poon Ka Yeung did indeed remember Bing Bing.  The talk segues into his nose injury during SIAC filming. When injured Steven's instant reaction was that at least it wasn't his eye that got hurt (because of his old eye injury in 2006), and his 2nd reaction was to ask for a mirror to look at his nose.  As actor, Steven was naturally concerned how the injury would affect his facial appearance. When teased by Pastor Lam that the nose injury at least proved that Steven's nose is natural, the latter is quick to assert that his facial features as well as his whole body are all natural, totally devoid of any plastic surgery or enhancement shots of any kind.

at 11:17 Retelling his mother's cancer; how her fight with cancer totally influenced his mind and attitude and his lifestyle. (turning him into a homebody taking care of his mother) He says his father not only took care of him and sisters but also his sick wife.  Steven says besides his mother he is also greatly influenced by his dad's belief and conduct.  Since his mom has passed away for so many years now, Steven has told his dad that if he wants to find a partner to share his life with, it is ok with Steven and his siblings but Steven knows his dad won't find another woman to replace Steven's mom. Steven still recalls the image of his sick mother holding onto his father's arm slowly walking down a pavement - that was a picture of 'in health and in sickness' of a couple who loved each other  'till death do we part' for life love.  But men of Steven's dad's caliber are hard to come by these days - father who was the sole breadwinner to his family of seven and who stood by his sick wife thru good times and bad times until her death, and even now remains unmarried.

Because of all the health problems that befell on his family from his mother's cancer to his grandmother's passing away a year later to his second sister's having a problematic birth delivery that almost caused his nephew his life to his 2nd sister diagnosed with breast cancer, Steven was angry at God and Heaven, and everything else. What use is God if he is so merciless and cruel?  Steven's emotional and mental anguish greatly impacted his thinking and his conduct. So, why did he change his thinking and embrace Christianity?

Though Cherish2 unlike its predecessor, Cherish, is not a Christian music album it is imbued with Jesus' teachings on love. The songs have their own respective love theme inspired by the various kinds of love between people  - romantic love (I'm getting married), sibling love (Platonic love), familial love (father's love), altruistic love etc than universal love of God for his people.

songs played: Platonic love;  I'm getting married.

The below report is extracted and loosely paraphrased from: metrodaily May 2nd 2014
Gist: Steven is well acquainted with health issues because of his late mom's 22-year battle against cancer to which she finally succumb to.  Even as his mother's illness raged furiously, seriously weakening her health and intensifying her pain and suffering so did Steven becoming more and more withdrawn during that period.  Because of his need to take care of his mother Steven said during that period he was even more homebody than a homeboy. (宅男) His daily living was simple -- work--take care of mom (home or hospital)--work.


Steven also talks about how his father stuck by his mom (Steven's) thru thick and thin all those years, and his attitude and conduct in turn greatly influenced Steven's own views on love.  "It's him who taught me what responsibility is, what 'for life' is, and what "till death do we part" is.


Steven talks about how he started work at an early age to lessen his dad's financial burden on taking care of his family.  Steven is truly a filial son. 

**************************************
-- notice announcement --
Saturday May 3 2014.  Steven will be on Pastor Enoch Lam (林以諾)'s CRHK Sound of Silence 《靜默的革命》to talk about his parents. (most probably a pre-recorded interview rather than a real time live interview) The program's air time is from 11 pm to 2 am (interrupted by a news bulletin from 12 am - 12:30 am), not sure at what time Steven will be on air for the interview. Go here for instructions on how to listen to the program live.

read related materials under the category: steven's mother ; steven's father;
or search mother, father in the blog.

RTHK channel 1 - 舊日的足跡 (Old Footprints)

Program presenter：車淑梅
Guest: Steven Ma

Steven going down the memory lane with the radio host.

1) early singing career -- being jeered, vilified and hated because of slogan. (Tn: The ill-feeling towards Steven still lingers to these days. Even more unfair and crazy is that some netizens on Hk forum + hkgolden forum still hate him because Charmain's character ended up with his character in Return of the Cuckoo instead of with Julian Cheung -- so incredible, isn't it?) ref: Steven's memoir

2) first major series - Hong Hei of Domd1998 - author Jin Yong commended he was the best Hong Hei. Steven forever grateful to Catherine Tsang and Li Tim Shing for pushing him to take up this role, and their belief in him that he could do it.

3) For the first time Steven revealed the deep seated secret festering in his heart that he had hastened his mother's death when his mother gave in to his plea to have the fatal surgery that took her life in the end. Although she finally agreed to the surgery she wasn't at first and communicated her anger in written words to Steven. The memory of that scene still made Steven choke up with emotion when he  spoke of it.  (7:55 ) Mom wrote:  "I don't want to do it. Are you pushing me to my death? Do you want me to die? I don't want to do it!"  Her words cut right into Steven's heart, that wound never healed.  At reading his mom's written accusation, Steven instantly collapsed in loud sobs, and his mom's heart melted at seeing her son's heartbreaking collapse, (she had lost her hearing by then so could not hear Steven's sobs) and so in the end she agreed to the surgery. And though the surgery itself was successful, she succumbed to post-surgery pneumonia and died of it a few hours later. Worse, Steven and his sisters weren't there when their mother passed away as they went home to take a much needed rest after a long day at the hospital (doctors had assured them their mother's surgery was successful), only his father was there beside her when she passed away.  (see my comments below)  When narrating his mom's cancer and her death, Steven's voice sounded hoarse and shaky with emotion. He had to break off his narration several times to compose himself. Even the hostess quietly cried with him.  After his mother's death Steven did not cry, and could only cry when he was drunk and so he locked himself inside his bedroom and got roaring drunk to release his tears.  But he did that all behind close door since he had to be strong for his grieving family. After his mother's death, his grandma died a few year later, and a few years later in 2003, his younger sister was diagnosed with breast cancer, but luckily she is now in remission.

HH1 screencaps cache1

HH1 screencap cache2

4) After 5 years striving starting from ground negative to ground zero in Domd1998, his career finally made it above ground with his role as Dr. Joe in HH1.  (TN: Incidentally it was because of Steven's Dr. Joe that I first noticed him - thought he was sooo cute!)

5) Revealed the secret for the first time publicly why he came back to TVB on a per series contract with TVB. (eta: confirmed in other interviews that he only signed that one contract with TVB for SIAC only, that's it) Besides repaying his gratitude debt to Catherine Tsang and TVB, the main reason is because he had given his word to TVB executives (Tsang and Chan Fai Gong (Uncle 6's secretary then) at the time of his early termination negotiation with them that he would sign a different form of collaboration with TVB.  The management wanted Steven to sign another form of contract collaboration at the time but Steven was too busy then filming in mainland, so he told them he would but not then because he just did not have the time. But he assured them he would come back at a more convenient time to discuss with them about signing a different form of contractual collaboration.

****

eta: Circles 2014-6-14 why leave tvb** clarifies signed siac contract only.

To Steven, his spoken word of promise is just as binding as any legal b&w contract.  In February 2012, I think, TVB (Catherine and another TVB high executive) tried to persuade him to film a tvb series in September but he could not due to schedule conflict but he kept his word by filming PP.

Steven - a man of his words. I gather from this interview and other news reports Steven has only signed this one series contract, that's it.  Just like how I'd previously conjectured on why Steven got off 'easy' for his unprecedented premature termination of his contract - because TVB had exacted from him a promise at the time to sign a different TVB contract.  And Steven gave his word he would but and so he did, cos a man of his words, his promise is as ironclad as a written contract. TVB had looked him up in February but he was still busy filming then. 


6) Love life
Love life is doing fine. Vivien is a very independent woman with a quiet personality.  Steven and her understand each other very well but he has promised her not to talk about their love life to the public so a pretty short segment here. But what's interesting is that when the hostess brought up the old news that reportedly Steven had planned his wedding to Vivien without even telling her parents, Steven denied he had ever said that -- that the reporter made that news up. 

7) 5-6 years ago Steven was diagnosed with a heart disease that causes abnormal heart palpitations. A surgery is required to permanently fix the problem but the catch is the surgery can only be performed when the heart is acting up. When asked if the disease can be fatal, Steven was nonchalant about it. He said his family doctor said that there is only about 1 out of 10,000 chance that a person can die from hyper heartbeat, so he was not too concerned over his health condition. read link

8) Want to make a movie inspired by his mother's life
Steven has already completed the script inspired by his mother's story.  If all goes according to plans, he would probably have it shot next year as he has already have a sponsor lined up to produce it but he would not be in the cast cos' it would be too painful for him.

listen link Old Footprints
or open realplayer with this part 1 link and part 2 link

My comments:
Besides two hitherto unrevealed secrets now exposed, Steven is basically rehashing what had been published about him on the newspapers from his early career as a singer, his first major series as Hong Hei in Domd1998 and his career changing role as Dr. Joe in HH1, to his mother's cancer and her death, to TVB work and his early termination of contract to love life, to tvb awards to tvb's present situation to lots more.  But I already know most of what he said through print reports, audio and video interviews, so no surprises there for me except for his insight in TVB's present situation. But what caught me off guard is how emotional Steven was talking about his mother's death. How he still carries the irrational guilt over that ill-advised and ill-fated surgery that hastened his mother's death, how the scene of their last exchange (written) constantly replayed itself in his mind - haunting him through the years, and how his mother's  written accusation of him pushing her to her death still cut him to the core. (ngo mg wui zou, ni hai mai yu ong ngo hui sei ya? - I won't do it, you want to push me to my death?)  Time has not erased that guilt, that written accusation; only faded them somewhat, but there it lodges forever in Steven's heart and mind, easily re-ignited - what a burden to carry around.  The psychological trauma of losing his mother so unexpectedly, his remorse and guilt over his advice to his mom to take the surgery forever changed Steven's psych and his life outlook.

I feel that Steven is forever trying to atone for that very moment when his uncontrollable and bitter sobs made his dying mother change her mind to finally agree to the ill-fated surgery. His mother's death is a cross Steven carries to this day on his back, its intangible weight heavy on his conscience, hopefully one day Steven can totally discard that guilt and drop that heavy cross.  Guess his 'selfish' desire of wanting his mother to take the surgery despite her pain and suffering somewhat attributed to Steven's own tolerance and forgiving nature towards other people's frailties and flaws, for who amongst us do not err in our lifetime. To these days, Steven is still making amends to atone for his 'transgression' towards his mother's death. It was not his fault but often it is heart over mind.  Glad that Steven has found spiritual strength and peace with his faith in God.

And good for him, Steven has Vivien to support and love him as he is cos' from what I gather, Steven is quite a moody bf.  Moreover, Vivien has to know this, and most probably does: she can never get the full, complete love from Steven cos' he has already given a part of it to his late mom, so she has to be content with whatever Steven can give of his heart. Like I said: Take Steven as he is - warts and all, and 2nd place in his heart after his late mom.  Before Vivien, there was Tsui Yong Yong, Steven's ex-manager to comfort him.  God bless him, them and us all!

In part2 last segment on TVB, Steven is once again downplaying his talents and accomplishments; modesty/humility is a virtue but if excessive, it can hold back an artist from realizing his potential to achieve a greater height in his career. I always feel that Steven is too humble, too passive and not exertive enough in his career.  I recall this weibo entry from an (ex?) long time fan who said this on weibo: Steven lacks the 霸气 (the aggressiveness) that's why he can only be a celebrity not a superstar. Without that aggressiveness - acting is his career but he cannot make it (career) into a  superstar business.  (sounds like Cao Zhi). Tn: Steven's lack of aggressive spirit, plus his overly humility and his selling short his talents and accomplishments, collectively hinders him from realizing his full potential as an artist, a loss to his fans. But whatever floats his boat - it's his life.  But imo as his fan, what a shame to his god given talents being under-appreciated. Moreover, as an outsider, I don't understand his loyalty to TVB despite their past maltreatments; there is such thing as blind loyalty. (愚忠)Thank goodness, he only signs a one series per year contract.

Another good fan essay on Steven's psych. (Too bad I somehow overlook this original essay when I transferred the other Steven-ma.org fans' essays here before the fansite closed.)

So, those who have listened to the interview, any comments?

***

Steven Ma's Testimony to Christ 2012 Nov 2

video with transcript - Ascribing his sisters' strong faith for his own conversion to Christianity

Life’s Anxiety and Security – Steven Ma
It has been two years since our last interview with well known artist, Steven Ma. In this interview, this reporter took advantage of this opportunity to have Steven shared some hitherto unpublicized personal experiences and feelings. Hence, through this magazine Steven reveals publicly for the first time his conversion journey to Christianity.

In his 20 odd years of taking care of his cancer late mother since very young, Steven's life was filled with all kinds of anxieties including suffering depression from losing his mother in 1999.

But now he finds much security in his faith, and a rationale reason for gratitude on death.

When friends found out that I was going to interview Steven soon, all asked me this very same question: “Isn’t Steven a Buddhist?”

 Let Steven himself respond to the question: “Since young I attended Catholic schools. When I grew up I was an atheist all along. But many people thought I believed in Kun Yam (Chinese Goddess of Mercy); actually they misconstrued. Even my mother when alive was not a believer of Kun Yam, just that she was very fond of Kun Yam’s countenance so collected Kun Yam figurines as an art collection. So whenever I was outstation for work, I always bought a Kun Yam souvenir for my mother. At that time, the house was filled with Kun Yam souvenirs so friends thought we believed in Kun Yam. Actually we weren’t.”

SARS Evinced the Fearlessness of Doctors
When Steven was six years old, his mother unfortunately was diagnosed with nasopharyngeal (nose-throat) cancer. At junior high, Steven had already shouldered the care-taking responsibility of his mother. Having to tackle and resolve problems at such young age on his own cultivated his ‘believe in myself’ personality, therefore, he had never felt the need to follow any religious faith, until the year of SARS when his Christian 2nd older sister uttered a statement that changed his whole outlook on life.

“My 2nd older sister and 2nd brother-in-law are devout Christians. 2nd sister is a nurse while 2nd brother-in-law is a physical therapist. 2nd sister, of course, had hoped that I would one day believe in Christ but they rarely imposed their faith on me. The first time I was moved by their faith would have to be back in 2003, the year of SARS. At the time the situation was truly dire, many doctors and nurses couldn't endure it so one after another left the hospital. But of course, there were many who willingly stayed back, and some of them even contacted SARS and unfortunately died from it. When I saw how dangerous the epidemic was, I became panicky and called up my 2nd sister who was on duty that day.”

Steven said to 2nd sister: “Don’t work today. If something happens to you, what am I to do?”

Listening to her younger brother who loved her deeply, she replied: “My faith will support me.”

Steven’s voice became agitated, he said: “That’s not enough wo! Dr. Tse Yuen Yee was also a Christian but she was infected anyway. I’m not asking you for anything but at this moment would you at least let me as your younger brother be a bit selfish?”

2nd sister solemnly said to her younger brother: “Steven, if everybody thinks like you then every medical personnel would listen to his/her family member and leave the hospital. If one day you contacted SARS, or that father was infected with SARS, then who would take care of you both?”

At hearing his 2nd sister’s response Steven instantly got goose bumps; fighting back anxiety he said no more.

Steven said: “She said: “This inner strength came from God, it made me reflect deeply on my faith, which is the spirit of self-sacrificing for others."  At that moment, I didn’t know how to change her mind because she had a valid justification.”

Felt God’s Son’s Love in Movie
In 2004, the movie, The Passion of Christ, by renowned Hollywood actor, Mel Gibson, finally got on the silver screen.The movie depicts the last twelve hours of Jesus Christ’s tribulations before he died. The cast used Latin, Hebrew, and Aramaic (Jesus’ mother tongue) in their dialogs, effectively drawing the audience into the scenes as if they were personally experiencing  the whole drama.  Audiences all over the world were deeply moved.

He said: “One day I rented the movie home to watch. When I saw Jesus betrayed, saw him carrying the cross making the painful trek, and being crucified on the cross, my tears flowed unbidden. The movie depicted these scenes very realistically, and moreover, the actor portraying Jesus truly matched the image of Jesus in my heart. At the time I did not believe in Christ yet. As I watched I thought: “For real somebody truly went through all this? So pitiful! There is truly such a person (Jesus)?” If that is true then it is not just a movie but something that has a direct relationship with my life, because a real person actually sacrificed himself to wash over the worldly sins. Moreover, when he was being crucified on the cross he still pleaded with His heavenly Father to forgive those who had wronged Him for they knew not what they did. When I heard these words I fell apart. If I could meet Jesus of His time I would be a very happy person because that person though knowing I had sinned was still willing to use “for he did not know he has sinned” excuse to forgive me and even sacrificed his life for me.”

Afterwards, Steven happened to encounter some fellow Christian brothers and sisters from HK Artists Christian Fellowship, and had listened to numerous sermons from different pastors, allowing him to further understand Christianity. About four years ago Steven prayed for guidance for enlightenment, later he told his 2nd sister and pastor of his conversion decision.

Found Peace in God’s Embrace
Believing in Christ for four years, Steven is most happy he now has an older brother to share his burdens with.

He said: “Among my parents' 5 children, I’m the only son. I think a man has to shoulder all responsibility, so from young I seldom shared my troubles with family members. After believing in Christ it’s like having an older brother listening to my outpouring of feelings. I had always wished for an older brother, to be able to lay my burdens on him. God eases my hurt and wounds; my life no longer lonely. Hereafter, I have a listener, a God who understands my feelings and is tolerant of my flaws and weaknesses. Before him I can completely admit my own helplessness. This gives me much comfort.”

In March, last year, Japan had a 9 point magnitude big earthquake that in turn caused a devastating tsunami; the event shocked the whole world. After watching the news on tv Steven had a nightmare.

He said: “My house faces the street Princess Margaret Rd. That night I dreamed that there was a huge wave over Princess Margaret Rd (公主道) (tn: in Ho Man Tin). I became panicky. At that moment I suddenly heard a voice speaking in Mandarin said to me: “Child, don’t be scared! Everything’s fine!” The huge wave immediately subsided. And the dream ended. I went right back to sleep. The next day when I woke up I felt very relaxed. This dream had given me the security I never had in the past.”

The Lord truly understood what Steven most wanted in his whole life. From young, having to take care of his cancer mother Steven lived in constant fear and anxiety everyday. He constantly worried that should his mother suddenly have a relapse he might not be able to react quick enough, thus making her suffer even more. This cultivated in him a heightened sense of danger, and imbued in him a sense of insecurity. 

He said: “In all things, I still hope for the best but even more, I prepare for the worst. My thoughts veered very much towards catastrophe. Even today, there are things I cannot change. Like whenever I’m inside a plane I worry. Worry that the airflow may affect the flight. Before believing in Christ I would become anxious and would take all kinds of travel sickness pills. Once inside the plane I would instantly fall asleep. But now before boarding the plane I’ll say a prayer to God for a safe trip. But if accident happens I’ll tell Him I don’t fear death, as everybody will die once sooner or later, just that the dying be quick and not be drawn out torturous before going to the heavenly home.

“Also, when staying in a hotel, the higher the room is the greater the anxiety. So I always check out the emergency escape route in case of fire. That’s just my personality. Before believing in Christ I've had even more anxieties. Actually having a heightened sense of danger is not a bad thing, just that in my case it may be exaggerated thus putting myself in a constant vigilant mode. But what to do, it was cultivated in me since young.”

So what had happened to young Steven to make him think that life is littered with dangers?

Steven Accompanied Mother through Adversity. 

Steven was six years old when his mother was diagnosed with cancer and during that period she had had three relapses. She was 48 years old when she passed away after losing the 22-year battle with cancer. She had always lived with Steven, who together with his father took total responsibility to care for her.  audio ref para#3: Steven's emotional recount of his mother's death (revealed for the 1st time the deep-seated secret of his guilt over her death.   

Steven said: “Mother’s cancer first two relapses got worse each time it happened. And each time she lost more of her faculties after a relapse until in the end she was left with only one eye with blurry vision at that. The senses of taste, hearing, and smell as well as the neck flexibility were all atrophied. Those past 22 years I accumulated an abundance of anxieties and fear because Mother would suddenly go into convulsion, (tn: or suddenly spurt blood ) or suddenly passed out so in the middle of the night Father would come knocking on my door to have me sent Mother to the emergency care in the hospital. Or I would suddenly receive a hospital phone call informing me of my mother’s health condition such and such. That was our daily life. If she was “just a little bit off” I immediately thought ahead of what could happen to her and to be prepared. So I lived everyday in constant anxiety and fear. Now, I refuse to have a telephone installed in my bedroom because I don’t want it ringing in the middle of the night, nor do I like people knocking on my bedroom door (in the middle of the night).”

In 1999 Steven’s mother passed away. Missing his mother greatly Steven slipped into depression, (tn: and even considered suicide) and after a prolonged period he gradually came back up from the pit. Reminiscing on his mother, Steven abruptly clenched his fists, and said: “When Mother was alive, caring for her had become my life goal. When she left I felt as if I'd lost my whole heart. ” (tn: ref audio #3: and then there is the festering guilt that he had hastened her death because she gave in to his plea to take the surgery despite her intial reluctance.) 

Family always holds the first spot in Steven’s heart. Though not from a wealthy family, his family of seven was very close knitted. Growing up in Sham Shiu Po Pak Tin Estate, he and his sisters were close to each other as they played together in the public park playing the seesaws and slides. When grown, his young little sister was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. His 2nd sister close to childbirth got infected during her pregnancy, subsequently impairing her newborn son’s brain. And then there was his mother years’ long torture by cancer. (tn: And his maternal grandmother suffered some kind of illness and like his late mother also spurted blood in his presence.) Steven would rather all those things have befallen him instead. (tn: He omitted to mention his own heart disorder.)

Hope to look past life and death
Having taken care of his mother for 22 odd years, Steven is quite knowledgeable in nutritious food and basic medicinal remedies. Years ago he even published a book entitled: “I am a sick patient’s family” sharing with his readers his experience in caring for his sick mother. In recent years, Steven was also invited to an organ donors organization to share his outlook on life and death.

Recalling his mother, Steven became misty-eyed but still he hopes to transmit through different platforms a positive outlook towards sickness and death. He said: “First, don’t fear death; 2nd: cherish your family. Why don’t fear death? Because everybody will die one day. No matter how scared, still will die in the end. If live with fear everyday then it is the same as never having truly lived. Before believing in Christ, death to me is a deep sleep. After believing in Christ I know I will go to a better place,  and will reunite with brothers and sisters. Feel more peaceful thinking thus. I’ve already told my family and friends. When I die they must, must, send me off in a Christian memorial service.

“I once attended a Christian funeral service. Felt very peaceful. God tells us that the believers will return to the heavenly home, and will live in a better place and will no longer feel mortal pain, but will return to the Lord’s embrace. This gives me a comforting reason when grieving for a death.”

Steven thinks that since everybody will die someday, when alive then should live a good life, and also at the same time take responsibility for one’s deeds. As actor he said: “Don’t look down on movies or tv shows because they do impart an educational value. Every time I acted in a series I know I was embodying an educational character conveying different information to the audiences, so I will take responsibility for my series and will not participate in series that I think have no values. This has always been my principle. Which is why I’ve no regrets with any of my series. If in tv series production, we can maintain this kind of attitude and be steadfast in our stance, we can disseminate our God's given ideals.”

credit: baidu sm; Torrie_恩 2012-11-1 23:53

Revised:2015-5-10 Steven Ma's dossier

Over the weeks, I will rehash Steven's history taken from the assembled information stored in this fansite. Italics are Steven's reported and actual words translated from print news, radio and tv interviews, and his memoirs, blog and weibo.

Steven's birth October 26, 1971 – In Hong Kong Pak Tin Estate 白田村 (tn:Sham Shui Po 深水埗, Kowloon and Kowloon Tong) the Ma household was celebrating a joyous occasion. Mrs. Ma, who already had three daughters, was in labor. The baby was safely delivered. He turned out to be an almost 4 kg (8.8 lbs) baby boy.The BB brought on the greatest joy to the whole Ma household, now it finally had son and daughters. That kind of joy and contentment is hard to describe in written words. This little BB whose birth brought such joy to the whole family was me, Ma Chun Wai. Ma Chun Wai is not my real name. The name my parents gave to me was Ma Chi Wai; has志气 (tn: resolve; drive; ambition; backbone; spirit; aspiration) and has great ambition and drive (雄图伟略). They hoped when I grew up I would become an upright person with his own ideals and aspirations. Parents’ thinking was so incredibly grandiose -------- and this only just recently hit on me as I prepared this special column, through the introduction of my name I suddenly felt my parents’ expectation of me; truly a new discovery! Even more so, I was moved by my parents’ righteousness and optimism that laid out the foundation for my latter maturation years with their good seed of ideals. After my birth, mother gave birth to my younger sister. Thus, I grew up in the company of 4 females. The household with 5 children was only very bustling, but predominated as it was by girls, and girls being natural group bonders, I, as the only boy, more often than not, felt the lack of playmates immensely. Given this gender imbalance, it was up to me to find my own entertainment. Luckily, I discovered something quite early in life: I like to sing. From a young age, I joined and participated in all kinds of singing and reciting extra-curriculum activities, as long as there was music, I would be like a happy birdie singing non stop, worries vanished instantly. And so music became my childhood favorite pastime. 2002 memoir

~~~~BABY PHOTOS~~~~

source: baidu


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~~~~~~GROWING YEARS ~~~~~~~~

Steven is of Chao Zhao ethnicity, his ancestry hometown is Shantou city 汕头市 in Chaozhou prefecture, Guangdong. He often refers himself as a very a traditional chauvinistic Chew Chow man. Because his family were very poor Steven grew up in Hong Kong public housing. (see videos below) His father was the No:9 public bus driver and the sole breadwinner for his family of seven. Steven's mother was the typical traditional Hong Kong homemaker, all very grassroots.

In the video clips below, Steven hosted TVB variety program about Hong Kong thru the years. Steven's section is about HK housing in the 60s-70s period. In videos below Steven introduces the environ where he spent much of his growing years in Bak Tin Estate. He used to live in similar apartment behind those multi colored buildings he points at. Those blue buildings that are more modern looking are the newer ones. Living in the estates is very convenient to the residents because there are lots of shops and restaurants below them. Steven points out the odd looking pipes jutting out of the buildings, which as far as he knows, served no purpose except causing inordinate inconveniences for the apartment residents, besides being loopholes for ants invasions into living spaces.

In above vids, Steven points out that he and family used to live in one of the multi-color public housing apartments in Bak Tin Estate. Both his primary school (Bak Tin Catholic Primary School白田天主教小学) and high school (C.M.A.Secondary School 廠商會中學校 in  Shek Kip Mei,石硤尾) were located in the same vicinity  bordering , therefore he pretty much had no need to venture outside his Bak Tin Estate community. 

                                                                          Before Bak Tin, he lived in 7 storied building (vid 3)

Before Steven lived in Bak Tin Estate, he lived in one of those 7-story buildings in Shek Kip Mei (石硤尾), not those building in front of him but further down. At his time, the 7-story buildings were not as nice looking as these are nowadays. (vid3) Their construction was cruder and more basic, like there was no independent bathrooms for each household. Inside an area used as kitchen, wherever there was a water pipe with a faucet, that would be the spot to take showers and wash the hair. Washing hair for Steven and family was a simple task - rubbed the bath soap all over the hair, and over their bodies, rinsed off and that's it. It was only when they moved to Bak Tin Estate and Steven was in elementary school that they began using shampoo to wash their hair.

In his old Bak Tin Estate his apartment was about the same square footage of the one shown in vid 4 - about 300 sq ft.  But the layout was slightly different. His father used plywood siding to separate the room into 3 smaller ones for parents and sisters. Steven slept on a sofa in the living room where he watched tv until he fell asleep. The space was indeed very tight for a family of seven but at the same time quite cozy and harmonious. (vid 4)

video : the complete HK Nostalgia光影流情 Ⅱ ep4 .                                                                               

NEIGHBORHOOD ENVIRONMENT

Steven grew up in the poor Sham Shui Po neighborhood where gangsters and drifters were part of its daily street scenes. From young, he was used to seeing discarded used syringes on the back staircase in their building. In the back alleys, the most common sight was the presence of loitering hooligans and prostitutes. Steven has never concealed his humble origin. Maybe to overcome self-inferiority is to face it head on. Despite his background, Steven did not turn bad instead, many a time, he managed to pull back friends from a wrong turn just at the precipitous moment.

" Sure, youths squatting by the roadside are an eyesore, but surprisingly, squatting is really quite comfortable. And if one chooses to shoot the breeze with some buddies, it can be quite fun if one does not have to go to work or school tomorrow morning. Steven, who has had such experiences squatting with a group of youths by the roadside, can easily relate to the book’s concept, which is why he recommends empathy when dealing with youths." empathize youths

S: I grew up in a place, don’t know if you’ve heard of it; in Hong Kong, there’s this place called Sham Shui Po. I grew up there. It’s a chaotic place, all kinds of people lived there. When young, we lived in this public housing. My family of seven resided in this tiny living quarters. It didn’t even have a bathroom. We had to use the common bathroom outside the hallway by the staircase. The building housed eighty households, and four bathrooms which residents took turns using. So during that period, I was exposed to all kinds of unpleasantness, but why didn’t I turn bad? Because it had a lot to do with how my parents brought my sisters and myself up. acting not my goal, helping people is

"In the past, I was often looked down by people, so I wanted to prove my ability. (to publish books) I still remember that time not long after I entered the industry, a friend sent me home. At first, she thought I lived in Kowloon Tong, but when she found out that I lived in Sham Shui Po, she immediately locked all her car doors. She looked disgusted. I thought to myself, "Was that necessary?" Even though Sham Shui Po may be a ghetto, it’s not representative of its people." fresh milk  +  no miracles for SM

“I admit, because of my family’s poverty, I was often looked down upon. I did not feel secure and also minded people’s condescension. But now, I am enlightened. (tai tong) I won’t let it bother me anymore.”

Despite growing up in poverty, Steven has a cultured look; there’s an air of gentility to him. When he first broke into the entertainment scene, he was often perceived as someone of a privileged and wealthy background, thus, he was often asked from which overseas university did he graduate from.

“During my early days in entertainment, (as in acting) everybody took me to be an overseas graduate from a rich family. What can I say,that’s just my appearance. For the longest time, I didn’t appreciate it at all on how people perceived me, I felt that it would constraint my versatility growth as an actor,” says Steven. SM - the new sinai killer; no miracles for SM

“When I was young, I felt very grown-up. And liked to act grown-up. Sometimes would drink with schoolmates. The only time I got drunk was when I was in middle school. Went to the park to guzzle beer with schoolmates. Only remembered drinking nonstop and woke up drunk on a street. Around 5 in the morning when I heard the traffic noise and people, only then did I collect my wits enough to go home.

FAMILY

Steven’s family background might be underprivileged, but his upbringing was excellent. Father worked day and night to provide for his wife and children. His wife was a chronic nose cancer patient and he did his best to take care of her, sticking with her through thick and thin. Mother was strong and gentle. They were a good couple. Besides being affectionate to each other, they were also fair to their children. Every child in the family was treated like a precious gem. But because Steven was the only nam ting (boy) and because being a traditional Chew Chao family, the ‘ting’ naturally engendered him special treatment.

His four sisters, they all love to take care of him. When little brother had just finished his bowl of wonton noodle soup, the empty bowl would vanish in the blink of an eye; turned out that his 3rd elder sister had already taken it to the kitchen for washing. When heard he was sick, 2nd elder sister who was a nurse, and despite being married already, would in the shortest amount of time pay a nurse visit to check up on her little brother.


But the undefeated got to be 5th sibling, Steven's younger sister. “4th young master” would often praise how pretty his little sister was, and how preciously he treated her. Actually, his little sister worships him like an idol. “Among the men, my brother is the best. I want to find a husband just like him.” Her utmost adulation of her brother has no problem anointing her as his first, and utmost ardent fan. (tn: At one time the youngest sister wanted to enter the Miss HK pageant but Steven vetoed that notion of hers citing the dark side of the entertainment world as the reason.)

Because he so loves the newborns’ relatives (his sisters), this uncle (Steven), despite having only 2 hours of sleep during the OTTOO production period, would forfeit his resting period to rush to a baby store to buy disposable diapers for his sisters. Did they really need to trouble this “sei xiu” (4th young master) for diapers? Obviously, it was just Steven's personal choice. And thus,this reporter got to witness a diaper extraordinaire scene.undaunted courage


Steven has 3 elder sisters and a younger one. When he was younger, he was like the male lead in the Chambers of Red Dreams, being doted on by his sisters for his 'cuteness'. Growing up amongst females, Steven appeared shy and quiet. He was in a boys school until Secondary 4. He got to know his first love through a friend.retrospection

One of Steven's brother in law is a physical therapist and another is a hairdresser who shaved Steven's head for Ghost Writer.  before he left for mainland to film Legend of Yuan Empire Founder.

S: From the onset of the disease to death all these years I could only help mother to invite gung yam (Goddess of Mercy) into the house to protect her. Towards my sisters, I have the duty to protect them. Besides my father, my home is filled with females. So I feel I especially need to exude a man’s conduct even towards a woman who once betrayed me. ”

MOTHER

Steven was 6 years old when his mother was diagnosed with nose cancer in 1977 to which she finally succumbed to in 1999 after a 22- year battle with it. Whenever Steven felt grieved, just hearing his mother said: “My Wai Zai hou guai! Hou guai zai ga! (good person) A word is worth 10 thousand gold ingots. His mother was his most trusty reinforcement. To Steven who had encountered all kinds of situations having grown up in a public housing environment, her words were like a stimulant shot; taking a deep breath and bracing himself he once again was ready to charge to the frontline. Familial love was what sustained him through life’s vicissitudes. He knows the meaning of appreciation, but more so, he knows the meaning of giving back. Their financial situation finally improved, however, mother’s illness relapsed, which greatly terrified and tormented him mentally. In 1999, Ma mama’s illness worsened, today dismissed from hospital, tomorrow re-admitted. If she was away from home, Steven’s soul fled in tow.undaunted courage 

“
But she had never complained, and never gave up.” His mother was a thin and fragile woman, but to Steven, she seemed like a giant. This wounded giant became his role model. what time over there?

Only when he was a middle school student did he truly realize the scope of his mother’s pains. However, the more he empathized, the more helpless he felt. When sadness overwhelmed him, he would hide himself at a corner in his school, and cried. After which he would dry off his tears, and went home with a happy face. He did not want to add to his mother’s worries with his sadness.

Through the years he had watched his beloved mother’s life wasting away before his very eyes. As the only son in the family, Ma Zai felt powerless to do anything.

From the onset of the disease to death all these years I could only help mother to invite gung yam (Goddess of Mercy) into the house to protect her. Towards my sisters, I have the duty to protect them. Besides my father, my home is filled with females.

When his mother’s cancer relapsed, Steven had just started his singing career. He vowed to give his mother a better life. He bought a luxury home at Ho Man Tin (何文田), and had his parents moved from a public housing single unit to a 1000 over square feet luxury home. He purchased the new home in July1999, but in the same month on the 21st, his mother passed away. mom was so young then
 

FATHER

“Real” man? How to be one? Perhaps my father’s influence on me is truly too strong! My father was a public transportation bus driver of 30 odd years. Since young till now, I have honestly never heard my father gripe about anything at all, or seen him displayed any nervousness or fear before me. Even when Mother passed away, he was calm. His conduct and demeanor had always made us feel calm and secure, that father was always there to take care of things. Until that one day,the day I’ll always remember; the day of my mother’s funeral service. I distinctly remember that very minute when the coffin was about to be sealed, Father finally broke down in tears! At that time, my whole family, the relatives and good friends, all sobbed uncontrollably...except me, I didn’t dare to cry! Didn’t dare? Hardly an exaggeration! Honestly, when even the master of the house could not hold back manly tears, which over the years I had never witnessed before, as the newly appointed man of the house, how could I dare cry? Perhaps, you’ll laugh to think I over exaggerated, or that I over dramatized, but that was truly my irrefutable feelings of that moment, henceforth, forever imprinted indelibly in my heart! yahoo blog bear it

“During those years, I saw my father wholeheartedly taking care of my mother. I observed what an affectionate relationship was like. Recalling them, I believe there is such thing as everlasting, true love. I believe that happy and fulfilling marriages do exist.”what time over there?

When I was young my father always said this: “We Chew Chow people have a saying, rather others wronged us than we wronged them, especially towards women.” I don’t wish to hear bashing of woman coming out of my mouth.” 

Read more:
pix 5-year-old SM and dad
2009 Father's Day
book - soup

SCHOOL

Steven's worst subject at school was mathematics, which he simply hated because he was so bad at it. No matter how much he tried, he just could not get it, especially fractions. But he had a natural flair for fine arts, and he was pretty good in the Chinese language subject.vid - 心灵加油站-马浚伟  ;  link
 

16 years old

To lessen his father’s burden, Steven turned down his school offer to study designs in the science and engineering dept upon his high school graduation.“I was 16 and a half when I joined Long Man (朗文) publishing house as a clerk." 

我才十七歲！

2011-4-22 21:13

2015 May 10 screencap

He loves to draw; after graduating high school, he had the opportunity to enter an arts school for further study thus realizing his dream of being an artist. However, his family really could not afford the HK$7000 school fees for his training. “No problem! I can self-study.” Instead he stepped into society to diligently earn money to help out his family. No doubt it was hard work, but he did it with a willing heart. While at Form 3 (Grade 9), he was simultaneously attending school, and selling ice cream to earn money. Right after  he finished Form 5 (Grade 11), he joined a publishing company, Longman, selling text books. what time over there?

source 3rd from top left (後排左三）
3 Weekly ed. 184 生死愛慾馬浚偉　

Suddenly wafted the opening tune of a very familiar old song. Oh yeah, it is called “Perhaps not fated”. It was a song I listened often to when I was a 9th grader selling ice-cream. At that time, I worked in an ice-cream parlor in Causeway Bay from six pm to midnight daily. Every night, I would play this song not just once, but repeatedly. “也许无缘流泪在眼前没说半句话别早已飘远” My ice-cream parlor’s co-workers asked me why I loved this song so. I said I love its melancholy, that sense of helplessness. As my co-workers were much older than me, they chuckled and said, “Only a 9th grader student, what do you know of sorrows? Or of hardship? Haha!book - young angst

 

source:马浚伟怀念卖雪糕的日子

His beginning was humble, but through hard work, he was able to surmount the social stratum. Since his formal schooling is limited, he has for the past years enrolled in a university taking up Chinese culture & history courses as independent study.what time over there?

Since young, my parents had shown 100% confidence in me. I made all decisions on my own without first having to consult my family, once my mind was made up, I would follow through; I believe I could handle anything on my own. “Whatever you do, do it well and do it to the best of your ability,” that’s my motto. …I’m the kind of person who likes to introspect. Ever since young, be it encountering defeat or rejoicing a happy event, I would quietly contemplate the causes behind each occurrence.2001 memoir

End of this introductory chapter of Steven's early life.
Read 2002 memoir on how Steven entered the entertainment industry


eta 2/14/2015 今天 13:14 

I'm the relative to a sick person

I'm the relative to a sick person
June 7 2003

 Steven Ma has recently published a book entitled "I am the relative of a sick person". In real life, he himself was also the relative of a sick person as his own mother battled for 22 years against cancer. Some people say that where there is illness, there are no devoted sons, but this is not true for Steven as not only was he totally devoted to his mother, he also extends his concern to other patients as well. He knows that the patient's families are often overlooked, but bears the most pressure, so in writing his book, he hopes that we can all learn to look after others a little more.

With three renowned celebrities: Liza Wang, Siu Kam Chi (widow of Kiu Wan) and Alan Tam agreeing to write prefaces for the book, they each give him their precious opinions and share their personal feelings.

Liza Wang agreed to write her piece because she admires Steven's patient manner towards life as he takes each step in turn as has been shown in the strong foundations he has built his acting career on, so she feels that he will have put the same amount of preparation and commitment into writing his book. Also he will not do this for any cheap publicity stunt, but because he really has the devotion and sincerity towards the subject. Liza hopes that through the eleven stories in the book, people can be awoken to the people around us and the love that exists.

Steven admires Liza's professionalism to her work and her determined character, saying that he has learned a lot from working with her. He says he knows that Liza herself has had to battle against illness in the past but still works her hardest and it is this drive that he hopes Liza can express in her opinions.

When Steven approached Alan Tam for his opinions, Alan said that for something so charitable, then he was happy to help. He says that after reading the eleven stories, he felt like he had just drank a bowl of chicken soup for the soul as he really felt the feelings of the families. Alan is proud of Steven's ambassadorial spirit and says that although he is lucky not to have a terminally ill person in his family, he has an elderly father who requires just as much care and attention from his family and friends, which is the real moral behind the book.

Alan is the evergreen of HK's pop world and a great influential character in society. Steven sees him as the most respected of his seniors and he really appreciates Alan taking the time to read his work and offer his precious comments.

Siu Kam Chi is the widow of the late master Kiu Wang and a devout Christian who spent many years tending to her husband who had a heart condition. She wanted to share her experiences, but says that life wasn't so hard for her because her husband listened to the doctors advice. She says that if the patients themselves will do what the doctors say then this will help to put their families' minds at rest. She feels that for Steven to have the heart to write the book, he is like an angel spreading the word of love and she wanted to praise his dedication.

The eleven patients in Steven's book suffered from stroke, heart conditions, epilepsy and other terrible diseases and includes Steven's own story. The title comes from the feeling when the family are waiting outside the ward and the doctor emerges to ask who are the relatives of the patient, this stirs a great emotion and he feels it brings all these people together.

Steven's late mother started her battle with cancer when Steven was six years old and fought for 22 years against the disease. Only young at the time, it was only when he was at secondary school when he realised that his mother was being tortured by the illness. After some early operations, his mother's cancer returned six years before she died and as the advances in medicine were not as good then, she unfortunately lost her battle and died.

Whilst his mother lay in the grasps of illness, Steven was exposed to the warmth and cold of human nature as he saw the a loving mother who was sick in the next ward and how her children would come night and day to care for her with total filial devotion; whereas in the next room was a lady who was also ill, but her husband, mother-in-law and son never cared for her and only cared about the expense and when she would die, making Steven want to go an beat them up.

With all these stories, it has made Steven realise that although he has lost his mother, he is still a lucky man. Treasure the people around you, is not a concept that many will understand.

Translated by Em @ tvbspace news roundup

Footprints interview -- mother

It’s only with faith in God that for the 1st time Steven could finally open up his heart to share this deep-seated secret buried deep his heart all these years, festering the gaping hole preventing his heart from complete healing.

In the previous segment Steven talked about his tough beginning as singer. In this following segment Steven talks about his mother – the most heart-wrenching portion of his interview.

Italicized words in brackets are mine.

H: How did you family see it? Seeing your first step in the industry and down you fell.
S: Always supported me. Always Every time they heard my song played on radio or saw my program on tv, they all very happy. As to whether they were aware of the criticisms thrown at me, of course they did, just that at home they would not talk about it. We’re a family, so all in the heart. In this case, family’s support – silence is greater than spoken words.

H:1997 - Dr. Joe Cheung Ka Yu came into being but in 1999 mother passed away.

S: hai ya, hai ya (yes, yes)

H: Seeing you having 2 favorable years, she must have felt comforted.
S: She loved to watch my show cos’she couldn’t hear, lost her hearing long time ago. Cos’ when I was 6 years old she had this illness. Which is why in my childhood period I did not play much and also had to work outside at an young age because circumstances forced me to grow up fast. My mom had nasopharynx cancer. At the time, the treatment technology was bad, so her treatments (chemo/radiology?) had destroyed many of her cells and nerves including xxx, so very quickly after each treatment she first lost her sense of smell, and then later her sense of taste began to deteriorate, and then she started have relapses (in all 3 relapses) Gradually she lost her senseof hearing, and then her total sense of taste. When she left she had only a blurry vision in one eye. To communicate with her, we exchanges messages on this ‘Magic Slate’ You know the kind that you write on top of the plastic film, and to erase you just lift up the film? Everyday we used that slate to write messages.

H: So though your mother could not hear well but she still liked to listen to Deanie Ip’s Weary (倦), right?

S: Would play 倦 karaoke for her. (tv) She could not hear well but she had the cassette with her. She also liked Siu Fung jie’s songs too. (Paula Tsui 徐小鳳) but later she couldn’t hear anything at all so playing the songs was just for comforting the heart. So we played karaoke songs for her since she could still see images on the screen. But of course she was most happy when she saw my karaoke.

H: Ai! So recently you expressed your feeling your mother, right?

S: yeah!

H: For Mother: Weary! Composed and written by you. Back to the time when your mother passed away, you could not accept it.

S: Because accompanying her all those 20 odd years – when I was 6 I already knew she was sick – so I witnessed her battle against the disease along with my father and my sisters – we all supported her, a very close warm feeling. We saw how courageous mother was.

H: “I’m the relative of a chronic patient.”
S: Yeah, I wrote the book precisely for that reason. We watched her gradually losing her faculties. Sometime having a meal with her, she would suddenly spurt blood. Because of blood vessels inside her nostril would certainly burst. You think that could only happen in movies but it actually do happen in real life. If a thick blood vessel burst inside the nostril the blood would come out through the mouth, so if you sniff the blood rushes into the mouth. And when that happened during meal she would rush into the bathroom but she would say she’s fine but actually it was painful.

S: (4:13) As for her passing, we knew it was imminent. If asked after all these years were we prepared? Yes we were. But why is that when she passed away I was so devastated? All these years, honestly if you ask me have I healed (her death) completely? No. I’ve not. Is it, is it because I did something wrong? No. Was it because I did not treat her well? No. Honestly, I think, I believe, in this world if look for a son who is utterly filial to his parents, his mother, I dare to take the #1 spot. But there’re things that are not up to me to decide. So why did I say after she passed away, I, I

H: Self-withdrawn for half a year.

S: It’s because of a surgery. A week prior to her passing away, all her neck tissues had actually atrophied. Her mouth, her jaw structure; their tissues had actually atrophied. Her mouth was clenched tightly – could not be opened, could not even open up her mouth.. Her jaw was locked tightly together. The doctor wanted to insert a tube into her mouth to infuse nutrition into her but to no avail. Doctor told us to try to pry open her mouth just a few mm then he could give her nutrition. He gave us a few popsicle sticks and told us to slip them inside her mouth in hopes of propping open her mouth. But the thing is her mouth part tissues were all atrophied no matter how we tried still could not open her mouth. The doctor then told us that you had to tell your mother to do a surgery. To cut a hole on her stomach to infuse nutrition into her so she could live. So we wrote the message to her. At the time she still could see though barely.

When she saw a surgery was needed she was enraged and threw a fit. No, no no!! Because she was already in great pain. Cos’ 2 weeks prior she was in the hospital, her whole body suddenly having a seizure. I saw her body turned to a dark hue. The doctor had just stepped out the room. I immediately slipped my hand into her mouth to let her bite. I finally got it that a person can really turn black in less than 15-30 seconds - the lips, the face, because it's her brain having a seizure. Her breathing immediately stopped. So immediately she was given a stabilizing shot. This kind of scene is truly terrifying to me.

H: Wah, your hand was truly tough!

S: 7:05 No problem, I didn't know pain (then). I could only yell out loudly: Doctor, doctor, seizure! Why is that after so many years I still can't completely recovered? My emotion. Actually, that I now have this courage to speak out, to compose the song, is just I want find a release for myself. (let go) Because at that time the doctor warned that if mother did not have this surgery she'd die. Would last only 3 or 5 days. No hope for her to stay alive. So I said to my mother, cos' mom listened to me the most.

H: (sigh) Cos1 you're the only son. And obedient (guai)

S: But she wouldn't. She got angry and threw a fit. "No I won't do it. Just let me die!" I knew she was in great pain. So she refused adamantly to do it. Very angry, truly very angry. Because she's truly in pain. So I said "no, the doctor said you must do it." Hearing that she said: (wrote) I don't want to do it, do you want to push me to my death? You want me to die? I don't want to do it!" So when I saw her speak like that there's nothing I could do. If even I could not persuade her to do it there's no way my sisters could. But at that moment I was bad (soi), but I couldn't control myself and cry. When I saw her anger and her saying I'm pushing her to death (Steven pause to compose his emotion.)

H: So was there a surgery in the end?

S: Just that she said I want her to die

H: Well, at the time, she

S: Of course I knew she was just angry. I knew she was suffering. But when I saw her words I immediately burst into tears. (long pause) But when she saw me crying she could not bear it. (sniffling)

H: You never cried around her?

S: I seldom cry, never in front of my family. Besides my father, I don't cry when at home. And then she nodded her head and said 'fine, I'll do it." She had the surgery that very same day at night. So my family and I stayed back to accompany her. Her surgery ended at around 11:30 pm - midnight. So she was wheeled out on the gurney and the doctor said the surgery was a success. She was still conscious and we held her hands, and asked how she was, and she could nod her head. So I was relieved. So sent her to the patient room and sat with her for a while.

And then we went home to rest cos’ we were tired. (sniff) My father had went home before cos’ he always visited my mom very early in the morning. At around 5 am, my father would visit her so we all could take shift. At home around 5 :30 am, I was sleeping then, my father called me and said “Ah Ma is slipping , come.” I said “huh? What’s the matter?” He said: “Don’t ask, come quickly.” (sniff) Turn out my mother had already passed away at that time. Cos’ at around 3 to 4 am because of acute pneumonia infection cos’ her body was too weak, so she departed just like that. When we got to the hospital, her body was still on the bed., still slightly warm. (pause) But I did not cry Couldn’t. I spoke to her, and then kissed her. (pause) Thereafter, the funeral service, internment , at that time I wasn’t a Christian then. I held this xxx (Buddhist?) service , so went up the hill and other stuff, I did them all. But only I pushed her up the hill. When up the hill, I pressed button to start her cremation. It was brutal but still had to do it. Couldn’t cry. Even when all emotions had been spent still could not cry. “Did I truly push her to her death?” (play chan chin (play Familial Love song)

H: 14:36 I think actually your mother understood you meant well

S: Yes, of course she did. Cos’ my mother loved me a lot, of course, I loved her too . My family at home all told me not to be so stupid to have such a thought. Don’t think that way. I don’t want to but that’s how I received the message. (at the time) Thereafter, I isolated myself.

H: No need to work?

S: Work stopped during that period. So stayed home everyday drinking so that I could get drunk. And only when drunk I could then cry.

H: So your father must be very distressed?

S: I would hide myself so they could not see. I wouldn’t let them see me that way. I wouldn’t let my family see me like that. When awakened would eat something

H: What to do then? For half a year? How did you help yourself get out of it?

S: For the 1st month I was that way, everyday. Would not see anyone. Inside my bedroom, I turned off all lights and closed the curtains. Very dark, could not see anything. Gradually some friends became worried about me. The person who accompanied the most was Tsui jie. (Tsui Yong Yong)

H: Your former manager. She dotes on you.

S: She was very worried about me. Yes, she dotes me, even now our relationship is still very close. She came everyday to keep me company. She just listened to me talk. Because she is a mother so she listened to me from a maternal perspective. Actually not one month but 2 . Not I was numb, did not have interest in life. When people looked me up for work, I said whatever. Didn’t matter. To describe that period with words - truly like living without a heart. 17:30 I should not say this or think this way but at that time I truly thought of just dying. Because I felt like an empty shell. It’s not that I didn’t have people with me, I still had my father, my sisters, my friends, and lots of people I loved but but.. the process all that time she had lived with me.. The place inside my side, she had occupied almost 100% of it. And then suddenly she’s gone , tell me how to replace that? (vacancy left in the heart) (pause) Nothing. Honestly, nothing can, even today nothing can replace that vacancy. Even though now I’m a Christian and there’s Jesus but sorry .to have to say to Jesus, nothing can replace her. At that time I thought of suicide. So my friends started to get scared. So went to see a doctor. I’d a family doctor and diagnosed with depression. I was on medication for a year. Actually did not help much in recovery. Medication was not enough.

H: So what helped you the most?

S: First, my friends. 2nd sports

H: Sports? Badminton

S: Badminton, at that time I had started jogging. To gym. Or on the walking machine. Exercise causing heart rate over 120 beat/hr for 30 minutes the brain will releases endorphin. Can become addictive. Really, can be addictive. People who exercise constantly suddenly don’t for a week they would feel something missing. Another thing that helped was an essay. They recommended an author to me Tong. He wrote this article “Life’s Experiences” talks about a beloved passing away, and how to get through the mourning. …….the pain of losing a loved one is inevitable to all, but I encountered this pain way too early because my mother was only 48 years old when she died. (song play Deanie Ip’s Weary)

--  interview paraphrase --